Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Ah! Narcissism is the answer ... and boy does it fit the bill!

Well, a few days on, I am now feeling much more centred. I guess I have been badly hurt by what happened and that I am in a bit of an emotional crisis right now, but I have managed to re-connect with who I am and why I have chosen the life path that I am on (unexciting as it may be at times.)

I was born into a seriously dysfunctional family system that was full of pathologies of the psychological kind. I was born splat in the middle of serious emotional and psychological ill health, and I did not have a say in that. My conception and birth was just a chaotic impulse of nature, to which I had to succumb. I had no choice. I was surrounded in the glue of life and I just had to deal with it.

As a result of this unfortunate accident I also obtained emotional and psychological ill health. It was not a genetic disposition. In fact genetically my mind is very sound and my personality very strong and tenacious. No, I obtained the ill health through constant, relentless abuse, lack of security, and fear for my life.

That's why I chose my Narcissist. Yes, when I first met him he seemed so sweet. He was a little shy, quite cute looking, and strangely capable. He told me much of his great reputation as a computing guru, and how he was earning far more money than any other boy his age could ever hope to, and how he had a really great car! He was 20 yrs old and was just about to finish his University degree in Mathematics.

Wow! He really seems to know what he is doing. He seems so in control, and unlike my yobbo, loser, father he is capable of earning his own money and making his own choices and getting confidently ahead in the world. Yippee! A strong, silent type. Just what I need, someone who does not spend his time screaming and yelling and throwing things, and complaining about his lot in life. Someone who is not scared all the time. Who can show me how to do all sorts of cool things, and take me lots of exciting places. Yes. He is good. He is just what I deserve, someone educated, intelligent and grand.

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