Ah! Narcissism is the answer ... and boy does it fit the bill!

Well, a few days on, I am now feeling much more centred. I guess I have been badly hurt by what happened and that I am in a bit of an emotional crisis right now, but I have managed to re-connect with who I am and why I have chosen the life path that I am on (unexciting as it may be at times.)

I was born into a seriously dysfunctional family system that was full of pathologies of the psychological kind. I was born splat in the middle of serious emotional and psychological ill health, and I did not have a say in that. My conception and birth was just a chaotic impulse of nature, to which I had to succumb. I had no choice. I was surrounded in the glue of life and I just had to deal with it.

As a result of this unfortunate accident I also obtained emotional and psychological ill health. It was not a genetic disposition. In fact genetically my mind is very sound and my personality very strong and tenacious. No, I obtained the ill health through constant, relentless abuse, lack of security, and fear for my life.

That's why I chose my Narcissist. Yes, when I first met him he seemed so sweet. He was a little shy, quite cute looking, and strangely capable. He told me much of his great reputation as a computing guru, and how he was earning far more money than any other boy his age could ever hope to, and how he had a really great car! He was 20 yrs old and was just about to finish his University degree in Mathematics.

Wow! He really seems to know what he is doing. He seems so in control, and unlike my yobbo, loser, father he is capable of earning his own money and making his own choices and getting confidently ahead in the world. Yippee! A strong, silent type. Just what I need, someone who does not spend his time screaming and yelling and throwing things, and complaining about his lot in life. Someone who is not scared all the time. Who can show me how to do all sorts of cool things, and take me lots of exciting places. Yes. He is good. He is just what I deserve, someone educated, intelligent and grand.

I can be unreasonable sometimes!

Can I be unreasonable? I know my Mum was. Can I be as bad as her? I guess my Ex-boyfriend sees it that way. I guess he thinks that when I get mad I am intolerable and that not telling me things that will make me mad is his best defence.

I have lost a few friends over the past 10 years. And willing to lose another, had my ex-b not pleaded his reasons for being so deceitful to me. I guess the real question is whether or not it is reasonable for me to be mad with him for getting the job, not whether or not it was reasonable for him to decide that the best way to cope with me was to lie about it.

I had not been a Director of the company for 8 years when ex-b was approached by the CEO to join a newly formed board, of only 4 people. I had employed two of those people myself, and Stephen was the other member. He was always a Director, since day one, and other than me, he had been almost totally the sole director for 17 years at this time. I had come and go a couple of times, first for 5 years, because you needed two in those days, and then for another 2 yrs later in the piece. But since I left there had only been one, and that was Stephen.

Ex-b's excuse was that I was long gone, and he did not tell me because he knew I would be upset.

Should I get upset with Ex-b for taking the job? I did not want to be a Director, and had not been for a long time, so what was it that was making me so damned MAD! >:[

In my mind he was taking my place AND he was condoning what had happened to me.

He could have said "... wait-up ... I'm not happy with the way you treated OMG!" "Are you going to treat me that way?" That's the point, what would I think if I was in his shoes! A very prestigious CEO in my field of work gives me a call and says "Mate, I want to have a meeting with you, we want you to become our new Director, we have lots of big plans, and it's going to be great, we will pay you heaps, and all you have to do is come to a meeting once a month. It will look spectacular on your resume."

I am ex-b, what is going thru my mind? "Aaaaw, they did not treat OMG! that bad. She is still really mad with them though, so if I take this job she will be mad with me too." "I better not tell her."

Does the fact that I would not take it mean I am a Fool? Does the fact that many women would stick up for their friends rather than take a spectacularly fantastic job mean that we are all off our fucking heads? Should I let someone elses life experiences influence what I do in mine like that?

I am trying really, really hard to see this differently and expand my worldview, but all I can think is that it's cowardly and my wrath can't be that bad. :D So, this is a very boring blog post indeed!

It all started when ...

My Ex-husband and I had a really, really, bad break-up. It wasn't our first break-up that was so bad, it was the one we had 7 years later, after we had continued running our business together. THAT break-up was the really bad one!

It was August 1999. I had just been diagnosed with "Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder" as a result of living in a violent home as a child. I was also having to move from my rented home of 10 years to a new rented home, because my landlord had beceom ill and needed to downsize and move back in. It was at the height of the Dot.com Boom and Stephen, my Ex, had recieved an email from an interested party.

The Excuse ...

"I did not want to hurt you. I knew that you would be upset ... that you would go off like this. I did not want to bring the past back up for you again ... you were doing so well, were making so much progress and moving on. I did not want to drag you back into it. I thought that if I did not tell you, you would never have to know, and you would be able to keep on moving forward. I did not want you to go back to your hometown again ... your settled in here, it is good for you ... I didn't want to ruin it."

Hmmmmmmm. Right. So you were looking after my best interests were you? How terribley decent and considerate of you. That's fantastic. Yeap, really, really humane. I guess the part where you continued to be my boyfriend and have sex with me for that entire time was all part of your charitable nature as well too, huh! Yeah, having sex with me had nothing to do with it. The fact that I would never, ever, ever have gone near you with a 10 foot pole had I known any of these things, is bye, the, bye. You were of course protecting me from my own delicate and vulnerable feelings .... not committing rape by deception!

"You just take one thing I have done wrong and forget all the good stuff, you are going to throw away our entire relationship just because I did this one thing!"

Yep I am .... aren't I awful! Kcccckh!

Last Night....

Well, this was probably the third lie, but it was the worst. I found out by instinct and research ... emailed him, asked him if it were so, and then realised that when he did not email back ... I must have been right. All hell broke lose after that. I blocked him off facebook, removed him from all my other social sites (so many to remember!) eradicated his snarling glare of a face from my laptop screen .... shoved him off the edge of the cyber-earth.

And then he rang. Yep, he rang and said Why so mad??? What Betrayal? Why so terribley unforgiveable? Huh?

Screaming, yelling, crying. Don't you pretend that I don't know what I am talking about, don't you pretend you have no idea. You know what it is, I only just found out! Just!

How did you find out? Who told you? I thought you would never know, it is not in the public domain.

I think you will find that some of your trusted friends ain't so trustworthy afterall -- it's on the Net!